210+ Hilarious Vampire Puns and Jokes: A Fang-Tastic Collection

Vampires may be spooky, but let’s be real—they can also be downright hilarious. From their dramatic capes to their love for “fang-tastic” wordplay, these creatures of the night are perfect for a good laugh. If you’re hunting for jokes that bite (in the best way), you’ve just found the right place. This collection of 210+ vampire puns and jokes will tickle your funny bone and maybe even make Count Dracula crack a smile. Whether you’re sharing laughs at a Halloween party or just need a witty caption, these jokes are guaranteed to slay.

Funny Vampire Puns 

• Vampires don’t like fast food… they can’t catch it.
  
• What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A neck-tarine.
  
• Vampires aren’t morning people.
  
• I met a vampire once, but he was vein.
  
• Vampires don’t use mirrors… they just wing it.
  
• A vampire’s favorite dog? A bloodhound.
  
• I wanted to be a vampire, but it was a pain in the neck.
  
• Vampires love baseball—especially the bats.
  
• Do vampires use pencils? Only to draw blood.
  
• My vampire friend fainted—we called the bloodmobile.
  
• Vampires hate accountants; they hate being audited.
  
• Why don’t vampires gamble? They can’t handle stakes.
  
• A vampire threw a party—it was fang-tastic.
  
• Don’t tell vampire secrets—they’ll go straight to their coffin.
  
• My vampire friend is on a liquid diet—strictly blood smoothies.
  
• Vampires don’t like garlic bread… tragic, right?
  
• A vampire went broke because his investments sucked.
  
• Vampires don’t use social media—they hate followers.
  
• Did you hear about the vampire stand-up comic? He slays.

• Vampires never get speeding tickets—they’re always flying under the radar.
  
• Why did the vampire break up? He lost interest—no spark.
  
• Vampires are terrible actors… they always over-dracula-te.
  
• A vampire’s favorite drink? Blood-light.
  
• Don’t lend a vampire money—you’ll never get it back, they suck at paying.
  
• What do you call a sick vampire? A coffin dodger.
  
• Vampires love Spotify… full of drop-dead hits.
  
• Did you hear about the vampire who became a teacher? He taught blood chemistry.
  
• Vampires hate plumbers… too many leaky pipes.
  
• What’s a vampire’s least favorite class? Sun-day school.
  
• A vampire bought a boat—it was a blood vessel.
  
• My vampire friend took up yoga… now he’s a neck-stretcher.
  
• Vampires don’t like fast cars… too much horsepower.
  
• Vampires don’t tan, they shade.
  
• A vampire’s job interview? “Tell us about yourself.” — “I suck at everything.”

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Funny Vampire Jokes 

• Why don’t vampires use smartphones? Too much screen time.
  
• What did the vampire say to the bartender? “I’ll have a Bloody Mary—hold the Mary.”
  
• Why are vampires bad comedians? Their jokes suck.
  
• How do vampires travel? In bloodlines.
  
• What do you call a vampire who lost his teeth? A gummy bear.
  
• Why don’t vampires eat clowns? They taste funny.
  
• What do vampires eat on Halloween? Fang-cy candy.
  
• What’s a vampire’s favorite car? A cadi-llac (with plenty of trunk space).
  
• Why do vampires hate dentists? Too many drills.
  
• What’s a vampire’s favorite TV show? Buffy, of course.
  
• How do vampires start letters? “Tomb it may concern…”
  
• Why was the vampire always cold? He was forever chilled to the bone.
  
• How does a vampire enter a room? Fang-first.
  
• What kind of doctors do vampires visit? Blood specialists.
  
• Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She wasn’t his type.
  
• How do vampires keep fit? Blood pumping cardio.
  
• What’s a vampire’s favorite pizza topping? Neck-tarines.
  
• Why don’t vampires surf? They’re scared of the coast guard.
  
• What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
  
• Why did the vampire get a job at the library? He wanted to work the graveyard shift.
  
• What do you call a vampire at a barbecue? A stakeholder.
  
• What do vampires write with? Blood pens.
  
• Why did the vampire fail math? He couldn’t count on his fingers—they were in coffins.
  
• What did the vampire get at art school? Blood splatter paintings.
  
• Why do vampires love Halloween? It’s fang-tastic.
  
• How do vampires like their sandwiches? With lots of “bite.”

• What do you call a vampire who can sing? Count Karaoke.
  
• What do you call a vampire mechanic? Count Spanner.
  
• Why was the vampire such a good banker? He was great with blood deposits.
  
• What do you call a vampire with allergies? Sneeze-ula.
  
• Why are vampires bad chefs? They can’t stand garlic.
  
• What’s a vampire’s favorite flower? A blood rose.
  
• What’s a vampire’s favorite place in school? The blood lab.
  
• How do vampires say goodbye? “See you later, coagulator!”

Cute Vampire Puns 

• You make my heart beat faster than a vampire at a blood drive.
  
• I’m fang-girling over you.
  
• I only have eyes for you—well, and maybe your neck.
  
• You’re just my blood type.
  
• Love at first bite.
  
• You make my heart skip a beat… literally undead.
  
• We’re a fang-tastic pair.
  
• I’m batty about you.
  
• You’re my boo.
  
• You make my dark heart light up.
  
• Together forever? Coffin-bound, baby.
  
• You’ve got me under your spell.
  
• Let’s hang out—upside down like bats.
  
• You’re my eternal flame, even without the sunlight.
  
• You had me at “boo.”
  
• I vant to hold your hand.
  
• Life sucks less with you.
  
• You’re my favorite pain in the neck.
  
• I coffin-ly love you.
  
• Our love story? Straight outta Twilight.
  
• You’ve staked your claim on my heart.

• I’m dying to be with you forever.
  
• Let’s stick together… like bat wings.
  
• You make me go fangirling.
  
• You’re my “soul mate”—or should I say “ghoul mate”?
  
• I’d bite the world for you.
  
• You’ve got that “eternal charm.”
  
• My love for you never dies.
  
• You’re the necks-level perfect.
  
• Boo, you’re all I need.
  
• My coffin is your coffin.
  
• We’re grave-together.
  
• Let’s spend eternity snuggled up.
  
• Love bites, but with you, I don’t mind.

Clever Vampire Puns 

• Count me in.
  
• I’m really drawn to you—like blood to a vein.
  
• Fangs for the memories.
  
• Let’s stake our claim here.
  
• Coffin break.
  
• Blood work always pays off.
  
• Stop being so vein.
  
• Grave expectations.
  
• I’m blood-thirsty for knowledge.
  
• Biting wit.
  
• Time to vamp it up.
  
• Don’t bat an eye.
  
• A pain in the neck—but lovable.
  
• Blood is thicker than garlic butter.
  
• You’re ex-sanguine-ly charming.
  
• To be or not to be… undead.
  
• I’m fang-ticipating good things.
  
• This joke really sucks.
  
• Stake it or leave it.
  
• Bat’s life.
  
• Thirst impressions matter.
  
• Neck-t level humor.

• Boo-lieve in yourself.
  
• Fangs but no fangs.
  
• The stakes are high.
  
• Grave mistake.
  
• Bite-sized humor.
  
• Count on me.
  
• Spook-tacular timing.
  
• The dark side always has bite.
  
• Too ghoul for school.
  
• Hemoglobin around.
  
• Life’s a bat cave sometimes.
  
• You’re ghoulishly clever.

Short Vampire Puns 

• Fang-tastic!
  
• Coffin time.
  
• Neck’s please.
  
• Blood buddy.
  
• Bite me.
  
• Fang you.
  
• Boo-tiful.
  
• Grave day.
  
• Boo-hoo.
  
• Bat-ter up.
  
• Bite-sized.
  
• Stake out.
  
• Thirsty.
  
• Spook you.
  
• Blood-thirst.
  
• Undead-set.
  
• Dark mood.
  
• Bat crazy.
  
• Neck-t week.
  
• Fang joy.
  
• Shade-y.
  
• Boo-rific.

• Ghoul friend.
  
• Bat babe.
  
• Coffin chill.
  
• Boo crew.
  
• Fang face.
  
• Bite right.
  
• Stake claim.
  
• Grave win.
  
• Bat chat.
  
• Coffin fit.
  
• Boo yeah!

One-Liner Vampire Puns 

• I’m really into necks.
  
• Being a vampire has its highs and sighs.
  
• My blood type? Red.
  
• I can’t stand the light—it’s a grave problem.
  
• My career really sucks.
  
• Life without blood? Vein.
  
• I’m fangry right now.
  
• Stake-outs are my thing.
  
• Dating me is a pain in the neck.
  
• My coffin’s my comfort zone.
  
• Vampires don’t retire—they just rest in peace.
  
• I’m a sucker for bad puns.
  
• Keep your fangs sharp and your jokes sharper.
  
• My bite’s worse than my bark.
  
• Coffin is my cardio.
  
• Stake to your goals.
  
• I’ve got bat-ter things to do.
  
• I only eat out at neck-itarian restaurants.
  
• Garlic bread ruined my life.
  
• I’ll never outgrow bats.
  
• I fang you very much.
  
• Coffin—because sleep is forever.
  
• My humor really bites.

• Keep calm and carry a stake.
  
• Bat to the bone.
  
• I live on vampire time: always midnight.
  
• Count on me for bad jokes.
  
• I’m living coffin to paycheck.
  
• Resting bat face.
  
• A grave decision.
  
• Bleeding edge lifestyle.
  
• Bat luck again.
  
• I’m undead serious.
  
• Keep it light—just not sunlight.

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Creative Vampire Puns

• The vampire chef’s cookbook is short — everything’s rare by default.
  
• My vampire friend’s a barista. His latte art? Always a little bloody heart.
  
• Vampires in real estate don’t do fixer-uppers — only crypts with curb appeal.
  
• A vampire painter doesn’t need red paint; he brings his own palette.
  
• The vampire tailor’s biggest seller? Limited-edition capes — one size slays all.
  
• A vampire DJ doesn’t scratch records; he bites them.
  
• The vampire banker is great at saving — especially type O.
  
• A vampire dentist? Free fang checkups, but terrible with fluoride.
  
• The vampire librarian organizes everything by bloodlines, not titles.
  
• A vampire poet keeps writing about eternal love — and eternal neck pain.
  
• The vampire bartender only pours “on the rocks”… headstones, that is.
  
• A vampire florist makes bouquets that never die — perks of the job.
  
• The vampire mechanic says business is pumping — mostly fuel… and blood.
  
• Vampires don’t teach yoga; they just offer “eternal corpse pose.”
  
• The vampire lawyer’s slogan? “Every case is a grave matter.”
  
• A vampire gardener’s motto: “Stake it till you make it.”
  
• Vampires in IT? They always prefer dark mode.
  
• The vampire athlete keeps winning — he’s bat out of hell fast.
  
• The vampire chef tried garlic bread once. End of story.
  
• A vampire tattoo artist never runs out of red ink.
  
• The vampire scientist brags about his work in plasma physics.

• Vampires in fashion week? Fang couture, darling.
  
• A vampire magician never reveals his crypt-ic tricks.
  
• The vampire influencer? Huge on BiteTok.
  
• A vampire travel agent only books “night flights with bite.”
  
• The vampire musician? He’s killing it on the organ — literally.

• Vampire architect? Builds crypts with style.
  
• Vampire musician? Plays the organ, naturally.
  
• Vampire gamer? Always playing “Castlevania.”
  
• Vampire librarian? Checks out coffin-table books.
  
• Vampire tailor? Great with capes.
  
• Vampire fitness trainer? Teaches bat-robics.
  
• Vampire travel agent? Night flights only.
  
• Vampire poet? Writes with bleeding heart ink.

Conclusion

And there you have it—more vampire puns and jokes than you can shake a stake at! From silly one-liners to playful word twists, these quips prove that even creatures of the night can have a sense of humor. So next time you want to lighten the mood, pull out a few of these fang-filled gems. After all, laughter might just be the best way to keep the chills away. For more fun Keep visiting NetPuns.